Are you my pinky toe, because I will bang you on all my furniture.

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I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party. It was a twerk-place injury.

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Weddings should have a worst man.

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Nicole Kidman being in a film called Babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name.

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I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

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The secret to a clean home? Never let your husband or children in.

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A vibrator is amazing but it doesn’t call me “good girl” unfortunately.

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The secret to work life balance is generational wealth.

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Becoming an adult was the worst thing I’ve ever done.

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I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

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When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.