Being an adult is when you ask the babysitter when you should be home.

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Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

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My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!” I was taken aback, what a weird way to start a conversation.

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Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought a couple days ago have ripened.

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Welcome to your 50’s. Your doctor and pharmacist are both in your contacts now.

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Kids don’t love anything as much as they love arguing with each other.

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On Twitter, you will always find someone who is tweeting your thoughts but with better grammar.

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Today I was in a taxi, and the taxi driver said, “I love my job. I am my own boss, nobody tells me what to do!” Then I said, “Turn left.”

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As a student, the most comforting words you’ll ever hear are “I haven’t started either.”

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Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

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Never let your job prevent you from acting unemployed.