Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

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When someone touches my phone, I automatically turn into a ninja.

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I’m not moody; I’m just on shuffle.

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How to write complaints: “Dear customer service, first of all, you should know that I am typing this with my middle finger.”

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A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year.

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I don’t have red flags, I have fun facts.

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If they played poker with potato chips, I’d have a gambling problem.

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Sometimes our greatest achievement in life is being able to survive our own thoughts.

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I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

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Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

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“Too much garlic”? What’s next? Too much love? Too much desire?