TUSCALOOSA—A leading think tank in relaxed couture has confirmed what many suspected: home is officially a no-fashion zone. “At home, I can unleash my inner swamp creature,” said local resident Jenna Shore, adjusting her avocado-stained sweatpants. Experts suggest that the...
HASTINGS—In a groundbreaking zoological study, researchers at the University of Hastings suggest that women’s memory capabilities may rival that of elephants, especially in the area of insult retention. “It’s fascinating,” said Dr. Clara Tusk, memory specialist, “A woman can remember...
DES MOINES—In a shocking revelation this Tuesday, local mother Linda Perkins admitted that when she says she wants ‘the best’ for her children, she is actually referencing Gary from the office. “Every mom wants her kid to marry someone with...
CAMDEN—In a revelation that shocked absolutely no one, a recent survey revealed that many residents appreciate their beds more than other humans. “Honestly, my pillow is far more supportive than my mother-in-law,” said local man, Greg Hollister, with zero hesitation...
TUCSON—In what has been described as a masterclass in implicit communication, local resident Jessica Harper remained calm and composed as boyfriend Mark Davidson delivered a flawless silent breakup. “He had me at ‘I don’t want a relationship right now,'” Harper...
SEATTLE—In a groundbreaking move, TikTok has announced the launch of the world’s first airport powered solely by idiot ingenuity. “The brilliance of idiots in perpetual liftoff is the clean energy source of the future,” said airport spokesperson Dana Glider. Flights...
WICHITA—Fearless in the face of credit card debt, local man Tim Jarvis declared Wednesday that insufficient cash remains the only thing he’s truly scared of. “Love may break my heart, but Visa will come after my kneecaps,” said Jarvis while...
BOLTON—Citing an overwhelming sense of disappointment and fatigue, citizens nationwide report exhaustion from their continued lack of multimillionaire status. “Every morning I wake up and check my bank account, and I still don’t own a yacht,” sighed local resident Emily...
SPRINGFIELD—Reports confirm local man Dave Harper, notorious for his prodigious appetite despite his slim build, has become the prime suspect in a series of fast food break-ins. “Trust me, as much as I’d love unlimited Big Macs, robbing McDonald’s isn’t...
MANCHESTER—Scientists from the University of Manchester have confirmed that women possess an innate ability to flirt with precision and confidence unless encountering someone they’re genuinely interested in. “It’s fascinating,” said Dr. Emily Trevors, lead researcher. “The IQ mysteriously drops 30...