BURLINGTON—Area visionary Craig Halverson announced Tuesday that his unpredictable sleep habits are now a “lifestyle,” not a disorder. “Why sleep at night when 3 a.m. offers unique insights and infomercials?” Halverson proclaimed, describing his zigzagging slumbers as “elevated anarchy.” Colleagues...

TOPEKA—Confusion struck the nation this week as women everywhere reported hearing a puzzling new compliment. “He just looked at me and said, ‘You remind me of my ex,’ then strutted off,” shared local woman Debbie Cartwright. While seemingly polite at...

LOUISVILLE—Residents are excited about a new tradition where children honor their parents for unwittingly conceiving them years ago. “It’s like a birthday for your parents’ decisions,” said local enthusiast Doug Simpson. “Only with more awkward conversations.” The event is expected...

SALEM—In a startling new study, researchers have confirmed that the risky sport of ‘conclusion jumping’ is seeing a sharp rise in popularity, despite the obvious lack of training among participants. “Unlike pickleball, this isn’t something you just pick up on...

LEONARDTOWN—Confusion erupted at a local community forum Tuesday, as residents passionately debated a proposed chart redefining coolness by temperature. “It’s simple math,” said resident Gillian Norris, pointing at a scribbled equation. “If you’re hotter, I’m cooler.” The discussion intensified after...

BOULDER—A coalition of astronomers issued guidelines Monday urging individuals not to be swayed by affectionate claims such as “you are my world,” citing the existence of other celestial bodies. “Remember, there’s a whole solar system out there,” said Dr. Neil...

YORK—In a stunning act of self-humiliation, local resident Alan Simms once again embarrassed himself while alone in the privacy of his own home. “I can’t even look in the mirror without blushing,” Simms confessed, recounting his latest solo debacle that...

CAMBRIDGE—Area woman Samantha Wilkes has reportedly reached peak expertise in her romantic endeavors, having amassed what she sarcastically calls a “PhD in Failed Relationships.” Wilkes, an unwitting scholar of love gone wrong, explained, “I think I’m ready to retire my...

HELENA—In a bold scientific revelation, experts announced that simply being nicer could directly influence local climate conditions. “We’ve crunched the numbers,” said climatologist Dr. Gene Wayver, “and there’s a 100% chance of a heatwave if everyone lightens up a bit.”...

HOBART—Sam and Ellie Davidson, known for their shared obsession with baked goods, shocked close friends by declaring themselves “wedded to wheat.” “She was my chai, I was her cake rusk,” explained Sam, revealing the depth of their flour-fueled romance. The...