SHEFFIELD—In a provocative new lecture, local climatologist Dr. Karen Waterson asserted that recent rainfall outperforms romantic partners. “Raindrops offer a level of emotional support that Steven never did,” she noted, adding that precipitation tends to stay until it’s done the...

CORPUS CHRISTI—In a radical new approach to courtship, local man Jason Langley claims he’s mastered the art of flirtation by initiating disagreements. ‘Debating her on carbon footprints really got her attention,’ said Langley, who persistently asks potential dates about their...

LIVERPOOL—Attendees at the annual Titanic commemorative event were left scratching their heads over a baffling quiz question: ‘What was the name of the boat in Titanic?’ local trivia enthusiast Mary O’Connell admitted, ‘I was torn between Titanic and Queen Mary...

PORTLAND—Louise and Greg Jenkins, a married couple known for their sharp wit, revealed their secret to happiness: relentless sarcasm. “If she replies to your sarcasm with more sarcasm, that’s a whole life,” Greg explained, basking under a cascade of eye-rolls...

ROCHFORD—Navigating modern dating’s spare roles, Ben Truman, 32, hopes to be promoted to prime partner status. Truman stated, “It’s like being a backup quarterback but for relationships. You’re up next unless someone else completes more passes.” Friends reported seeing Truman’s...

BRISTOL—Announcing his latest book launch, motivational speaker Gary Norell compared life to a helicopter, admitting, “I don’t know how to operate a helicopter, but that won’t stop me from taking off.” While inspiring to some, the U.S. Federal Aviation Administration...

MANCHESTER—In a groundbreaking workplace study, researchers have uncovered what appears to be a direct correlation between physical attractiveness and professional acceptance. “If you’re a looker, you’re just being charismatic,” said CEO Dean Marsh, who commissioned the study. “Otherwise, you’re just...

BOISE—An enlightening new study reveals that, in addition to those who find sex without love and love without sex, there exists a lesser-known group: people without either. The perplexed Dr. Nancy Ellis concluded, “Modern romance evidently includes an option? C:...

HOBART—In a shocking turn of events, local man Kevin McAllister openly declared, ‘I’m a credit card, cause I’m always being used or denied.’ Friends report increased instances of Kevin requesting PIN numbers during casual conversation. Despite interventions, the metaphor has...

ELDRIDGE—Citing his diminishing patience for auditory pollution, Jim Collins, 65, stated his recent dissatisfaction with “unnecessary noise” like birds chirping at dawn. “I’m at the age where unnecessary noise be pissing me off,” Collins lamented, while pacing his porch in...