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76 Funny kid quotes

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

3 months ago

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older. Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

3 months ago

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom & Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

3 months ago

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

3 months ago

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk.

3 months ago

Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting.

3 months ago

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer.

3 months ago

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

3 months ago

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a kid describing an episode of PAW Patrol.

3 months ago

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I ever.

3 months ago

My kid is turning out just like me. Well played, karma. Well-played.

3 months ago

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke.

3 months ago

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

3 months ago

Listen kid, I have social media profiles older than you.

3 months ago

I never oversleep in the mornings. I set an alarm and a back-up alarm. Plus, there’s also a noisy kid once those fail.

3 months ago

If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it.

3 months ago