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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇻🇺 has shared:

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

Someone from 🇧🇪 has bookmarked:

If I’ve offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize, I honestly did not think you could read.

Someone from 🇹🇳 has bookmarked:

Half the world is mentally ill. The other half is to blame.

Someone from 🇩🇲 has shared:

I’m a big believer in not going to work on your birthday!

Someone from 🇸🇹 has shared:

Yabba dabba doo used to be a rad way to start a Saturday.

Someone from 🇲🇱 has copied:

Cars should come with a secondary smaller “sorry” horn for when you do something a lil silly by accident.

Someone from 🇧🇬 has shared:

When I was a kid, we still ate noodles. Then at some point we ate pasta. Today, we only eat carbs.

Someone from 🇲🇩 has shared:

If you ever find yourself mad at me, put a cape on so you can be super mad.

Someone from 🇵🇬 has bookmarked:

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side. My legs for always supporting me. And my fingers because I can always count on them.

Someone from 🇦🇩 has downloaded:

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from a movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

531 this month

Funny Quotes Total

15,124

Funny Quotes Topics

17,272

Funny Quotes Images

15,124

Dec 27, 2025

3,600

Social Media Log 💫

Spreading quickly via WeChat:

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow.

Making waves on Twitch:

And then there are those dates after which you think: “Have I really shaved my legs for this?”

Just landed via Snapchat:

The way turkeys feel about November is probably how treadmills feel about January.

Trending via Facebook:

The 69 obsession turning into 67 is a recession indicator.

Going viral on Snapchat:

80 years from now, this comment section will be full of dead people. Write anything you want.

Going viral on Instagram:

If Facebook has taught us anything it’s that a lot of people aren’t quite ready for a spelling bee.

Making waves on Discord:

It’s cool that women want me, but it makes me sad that fish fear me.

Just shared via WhatsApp:

Brain, I know you’re trying hard, but you are not doing a good job.

Going viral on WeChat:

I’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns.

Just landed via Snapchat:

When I said there’s no such thing as a dumb question, I didn’t expect them to take it as a personal challenge.

Home » Funny Live Quotes

114 Funny live quotes

Funny live quotes are like comedic ninjas 🥷, sneaking in when you least expect them 😂, leaving you in stitches before you know it. Whether from a stand-up show 🎤 or an impromptu remark from a friend, these gems make life sparkle with laughter. Ready to tickle your funny bone? Dive into the world of words that turn ordinary moments into hilarious memories! 🤪✨

New funny live quotes 👇

My mom is asking each ornament, “Where do you want to live?” before putting them on the tree.

0

2 days ago

asking, before, Christmas, Christmas tree, decoration, family, holiday, live, mom, ornament, putting, tradition, tree, want, where
Ever since I was a kid, I always knew I wanted to live in a galaxy far, far away.

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1 week ago

always, away, childhood, dream, ever, far, far away, galaxy, humor, i, kid, live, sci-fi, space, wanted, wish
Shoutout to video games, man. I love having a reason to live.

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2 weeks ago

game, games, gaming, having, humor, i, live, love, man, reason, reason to live, shoutout, video, video game
Some days you have breakfast for dinner and live life on your own terms.

0

2 weeks ago

breakfast, days, dinner, food, freedom, fun, humor, life, lifestyle, live, living, meal, own, terms
The rumors of my will to live have been greatly exaggerated.

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4 weeks ago

attitude, exaggerated, exaggeration, humor, live, resilience, rumor, rumors, sarcasm, will to live
In an effort to keep our house clean before Thanksgiving, I’ve asked my family to go live somewhere else.

0

4 weeks ago

asked, before, clean, effort, else, family, holiday, house, humor, joke, keep, live, moving, somewhere, Thanksgiving
If your family starts fighting on Thanksgiving, go live.

0

1 month ago

advice, celebration, conflict, family, fighting, holiday, humor, live, relationship, survival, Thanksgiving
I hate when I lose things at work, like my favorite pen or my will to live.

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1 month ago

favorite, frustration, hate, humor, i, live, lose, losing, pen, sarcasm, things, will to live, work
Based on the amount of laundry I wash each week, I’m starting to think there are people who live here that I haven’t met yet.

0

1 month ago

amount, chore, funny observation, here, household, housemate, humor, i, laundry, live, living, living situation, met, mystery, observation, people, situation, starting, think, wash, washing, week
Annoyed because I want to live my life without a job.

0

2 months ago

annoyed, freedom, frustration, humor, i, job, life, live, want, work

For even more funny live quotes, hit next 👇

All funny live quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

New Funny Quotes

🎲 Random Funny Quotes

Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

🎁🎅🎄 Christmas Quotes

Social Media Stars ⭐

58 shares on Facebook this month:

I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.

26 shares on Pinterest this month:

Raising a teenager is like nailing pudding to the wall.

54 shares on Discord this month:

I firmly believe that at this point my guardian angel is just eating popcorn and watching the drama.

38 shares on X this month:

If you watch soccer backwards, it’s about 11 sad and 11 happy men who nag each other until they get along eventually.

43 shares on YouTube this month:

If I’ve offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize, I honestly did not think you could read.

71 shares on YouTube this month:

The problem is that you are in the dating pool when the other fish are in the ocean.

46 shares on X this month:

Labubu?! Sounds like a name picked mid-sneeze!

49 shares on TikTok this month:

It’s not you. Just the things you say, think, and do.

89 shares on Discord this month:

The goth urge to live in a haunted Victorian estate and be feared by the townspeople.

16 shares on Snapchat this month:

Imagine hating me, and I’m not even paying attention.

Trending Topics 📁

Hot Jokes 💥

12 folks are currently checking 👀

Things I don’t want in my future house: An angry man.

24 folks are currently checking 👀

It’s Friday. Rules don’t apply.

10 folks are currently checking 👀

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise housewarming party. Now I’m homeless.

25 folks are currently checking 👀

I started at the bottom and worked my way down.

23 folks are currently checking 👀

An internship is only unpaid if you don’t steal enough.

9 folks are currently checking 👀

Laundry day is my favorite day of the week. That’s why I dress for it every day.

15 folks are currently checking 👀

“How would you describe yourself.” Me: I absolutely would not.

19 folks are currently checking 👀

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating all the sweets myself.

12 folks are currently checking 👀

Starting is the hardest part. Unless it’s eating chocolate. Then stopping is the hardest part.

14 folks are currently checking 👀

The secret to my success is everywhere I go I wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

531 this month

Funny Quotes Total

15,124

Funny Quotes Topics

17,272

Funny Quotes Images

15,124

Updated

Dec 27, 2025

Users Online

4,033

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇺🇦 has downloaded:

I might look like I have my life together, but that’s only because the mess is out of the camera frame.

Someone from 🇮🇹 has bookmarked:

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new Pokémon called Puke-Achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life.

Someone from 🇦🇿 has bookmarked:

Here’s your daily reminder to not forget about Dre.

Someone from 🇸🇲 has bookmarked:

My day starts backwards, I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.

Someone from 🇨🇬 has bookmarked:

Not now, honey. I’m talking to strangers on the internet.

Someone from 🇬🇭 has viewed:

I love replying “Need him” when someone posts their boyfriend on their Instagram story.

Someone from 🇼🇸 has copied:

Have you ever been in the car with someone who drives like we got extra lives?

Someone from 🇰🇷 has shared:

Sometimes I just want a man to talk to me in the same voice he uses to talk to his dog.

Someone from 🇦🇴 has downloaded:

What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger, but also a little grumpy.

Someone from 🇸🇹 has shared:

Only thing that can cure my depression is $500 million.

Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via Slack:

By age 40, you should have an entire wardrobe of clothes—one size too small—that you keep in eternal optimism that you’ll fit in them again one day.

Seen just now on Slack:

Drive as I say, not as I drive.

Just shared via X:

I’m afraid to go to therapy — what if they fix me and I lose my funny?

Spotted on TikTok:

Too many losers and not enough people telling them they’re losers.

Spreading quickly via Slack:

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

Going viral on Reddit:

Seems like the mosquitoes swiped right on me.

Spotted on Messenger:

Me drinking green tea: this is going to fix everything.

Going viral on TikTok:

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

Spotted on TikTok:

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head: 1. Wait until they’ve hit their head. 2. Say “Ooh, mind your head!”

Trending via Twitch:

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

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