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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇼🇸 has downloaded:

When the executioner asks me what my final words are, I’m just going to start filibustering.

Someone from 🇮🇱 has viewed:

If you don’t like sports, you are missing a whole world of easy-going conversations with complete strangers.

Someone from 🇿🇲 has viewed:

What if all the ancient Greek sculptures are actually victims of Medusa?

Someone from 🇺🇦 has bookmarked:

“It’s all in your head.” Correct! Unfortunately, I am also in there.

Someone from 🇲🇽 has copied:

Are there any medium rappers? They’re always Big or Lil.

Someone from 🇷🇴 has bookmarked:

Why do people think it’s ok to ask why a person is single? I don’t ask why you’re unhappily married.

Someone from 🇱🇺 has downloaded:

People always say, “There’s plenty of fish in the sea” … yeah, but I’ve got my eye fixed on that specific, emotionally distant salmon who has commitment issues.

Someone from 🇯🇴 has shared:

I love how these vegans still drink water. That’s a fish’s house!

Someone from 🇴🇲 has shared:

What if we kissed while watching the decay of our society?

Someone from 🇦🇸 has shared:

Why can’t hackers just delete everyone’s bad debt, credit, and mortgages?

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

2434 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

12,596

Funny Quotes Topics

15,265

Funny Quotes Images

12,596

Updated

8 minutes ago

Users Online

3,453

Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on Twitch:

Grocery stores should have baskets in the middle of the store for those “I really overestimated how much I can carry” moments.

Live now on LinkedIn:

Me, to the printer: “Hey, could you print this out for me?” Printer: “Sure, but first I’ll show you all the sounds I can make.”

Making waves on Snapchat:

I didn’t like my beard at first… then it grew on me.

Spotted on WhatsApp:

Too self-aware for foreplay. I’m so sorry… Take that nurse costume off. I know you didn’t go to med school.

Going viral on Twitch:

The most surprising part of adulthood is parenting your parents.

Shared recently on Telegram:

Who needs a weighted blanket when you’ve got the weight of the world?

Shared recently on Slack:

Cats are probably like: Oh, I should follow you on Litterboxd.

Freshly posted on WeChat:

Biggest flex is when your friend’s mom uses you as a good example.

Going viral on YouTube:

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

Going viral on Facebook:

I’m retired. I was tired yesterday and I’m tired again today.

Home » Funny Open Quotes » Page 2

64 Funny open quotes

More funny open quotes 👇

2 weeks ago
Share →: The feminine urge to open a coffee shop that’s also a library, a bakery, and a flower shop.

Commentary:
Why stop there? Let's add a cat cafe, yoga studio, and a place to nap! ☕📚🍰🌸😺🧘💤
3 weeks ago
Share →: Automatic doors that don’t open fast enough make me look dumb.

Commentary:
Every time I wait in front of those doors, I feel like I'm auditioning for an invisible friend's club! 🚪🤦‍♂️😂
4 weeks ago
Share →: Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag.

Commentary:
Sounds like a well-balanced diet: one chip in each hand! 🥔😂
4 weeks ago
Share →: You don’t know about stupidity until your female friends open up about their love life.

Commentary:
"When your friend talks about her love life, and you start feeling like a relationship therapist—without the degree! 😂🙈💔 #NoCertificationNeeded"
1 month ago
Share →: British people never go downstairs; they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins.

Commentary:
"Who needs stairs when you can make a stylish escape? ☂️🇬🇧 Remember, gravity’s just a suggestion! 😂"
1 month ago
Share →: We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun not to be able to open that drawer.

Commentary:
"Ah yes, my kitchen's very own escape room challenge! 🥔🔐😂"
1 month ago
Share →: Thanks for leaving my door open; I was running low on houseflies.

Commentary:
"Ah, just what I needed—my personal fly-through drive-thru! 😂🪰🚪"
1 month ago
Share →: I have browser tabs open that are older than you.

Commentary:
"Wow, those must be some ancient artifacts! 📜💾😂"
2 months ago
Share →: My love life feels like when you finally spot an open space in a full parking lot — and then boom, it’s a motorcycle.

Commentary:
"Story of my life: always parking my heart's hopes in the 'No Cars Allowed' zone! 🏍️💔😂"
4 months ago
Share →: I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently, I’ve got too many windows open.

Commentary:
Looks like your computer is having a window overload! 🪟❄️ Maybe it's time to close some windows and give your poor device a breather. Remember, even computers need some fresh air sometimes! 😄🖥️ #WindowManagement101

For even more funny open quotes, check out the next page, if available 👇

All funny open quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

New Funny Quotes

Random Funny Quotes

Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇬🇩 has copied:

Of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centers around them being eaten.

Someone from 🇧🇯 has bookmarked:

I told you so. Kind regards, your gut feeling.

Someone from 🇧🇧 has bookmarked:

Stop avoiding your banking app. Go look at what you’ve done.

Someone from 🇰🇭 has copied:

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

Someone from 🇪🇹 has downloaded:

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date?”, while they’re out with their significant others.

Someone from 🇩🇪 has copied:

Job applications be like “how did you hear about us?”. Bro why, was it a secret?

Someone from 🇬🇳 has downloaded:

I’m pretty sure by now that we’re some kind of satire channel on some other planet.

Someone from 🇱🇾 has downloaded:

We should be able to go to the bar and drink to watch Love Island, like men do with sports.

Someone from 🇱🇮 has copied:

“I’m a very sleepy person, just at all the wrong times.”

Someone from 🇧🇦 has copied:

Don’t worry, bro. She’s probably just working on a puzzle right now. She’ll get back to you.

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Facebook:

How long are you allowed to hide in the bathroom during family visits?

Just shared via WhatsApp:

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

Live now on Pinterest:

I think some of you are faking your sarcasms.

Going viral on YouTube:

I only look up to people that are taller than me and really that’s about the extent of it.

Just shared via WeChat:

“Dairy Queen” is actually the perfect drag name.

Just landed via Slack:

The problem with rich people is that I am not one.

Shared recently on YouTube:

As a child, all I wanted was as to be a time traveller, like my grandson and his grandson before him.

Freshly posted on Slack:

Happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths.

Trending via TikTok:

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head.

Just landed via Threads:

When did making sense stop making sense?

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Activity Log ✨

64 Funny open quotes

More funny open quotes 👇

For even more funny open quotes, check out the next page, if available 👇

All funny open quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

I think I’ll spend my savings on a lifetime supply of pasta. Worth every penne.

If you would just let me help, you’d be in an even worse position than you are now.

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

Graduation advice: Stay cool. Don’t be a fool. Avoid being a tool.

I hope the next time you’re stressed, it’s because you’re choosing between Japan, Bali, Switzerland, or the Maldives.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

I am convinced that some of you are failed experiments that gained sentience and escaped from a lab.

The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me.

What was the name of the boat in Titanic?

As a sales clerk, you want to shout after some people as they leave the store: “Are you sure you’ve really REALLY touched everything?”

I don’t need to bring anything to a knife fight, because I don’t go to knife fights.

Trending Topics 📁

Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

I hate being responsible for my own meals because I’ll either spoil myself or starve for most of the day.

Looking for someone to take to couples therapy and see how long it takes the therapist to notice we don’t know each other.

Calling it a situationship, and the whole time, the situation is that they don’t want you.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Turns out strange women lying in ponds distributing swords was a better basis for a system of government actually.

I’m not sure how long my body can handle this “getting out of bed early in the morning” nonsense.

I’m not well rested. Sleeping Beauty was well rested.

Autumn at last. Sitting on the sofa all day with a blanket and tea and watching movies. Just like in summer, but with a blanket and tea.

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

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