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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇺🇿 has copied:

I’ve got 99 problems. I know this because I wake up in the middle of the night to review each and every one of them in great detail.

Someone from 🇲🇾 has viewed:

As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I’m totally flexible.

Someone from 🇲🇭 has copied:

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

Someone from 🇧🇾 has downloaded:

Just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about donuts.

Someone from 🇨🇭 has downloaded:

The point of life is going to a good restaurant and getting two cocktails with dinner. That’s it.

Someone from 🇩🇰 has viewed:

I’m not lazy. I just give my couch the love it deserves.

Someone from 🇸🇴 has copied:

Don’t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing, so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.

Someone from 🇰🇷 has bookmarked:

Eating cookies left for Santa because the cowboy was a no show.

Someone from 🇮🇸 has downloaded:

That uncle or aunt who kept their distance from the rest of the family will start making more sense as you get older.

Someone from 🇦🇱 has copied:

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

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Updated

Jan 19, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via WeChat:

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than earplugs; I simply will not hear it.

Just landed via LinkedIn:

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

Trending via Telegram:

My superpower? I can look you right in the eyes while you’re talking and not hear a single word you said.

Trending via Discord:

Sorry, I laughed at your bad joke. I was trying to flirt.

Broadcasted on Snapchat:

I love being home and doing absolutely nothing and never contributing to society.

Just landed via Messenger:

Marriage tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing the lawn.

Breaking via Facebook:

I got so lost there for a minute (several years).

Making waves on WhatsApp:

Every millennial is now paying Apple $9.99/month for 2TB just to not delete their life.

Making waves on Snapchat:

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life.

Spotted on Threads:

You should tell different people completely different things about yourself so that they then get into arguments when gossiping about you.

37 Funny posts quotes

Social Media Stars ⭐

73 shares on WhatsApp this month:

4 out 3 people struggle with math.

95 shares on Instagram this month:

AI won’t replace me because I’m already useless to society.

79 shares on Instagram this month:

Having a girlfriend is insane because you can literally text them, and they will respond.

64 shares on Instagram this month:

Unlocking new levels of iron deficiency.

73 shares on Facebook this month:

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac!?

18 shares on Slack this month:

I can resist everything except temptation.

95 shares on Reddit this month:

I hope nobody sees me eating by myself and feels sorry for me. I’m having the time of my life.

46 shares on Instagram this month:

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the house, no exceptions.

98 shares on Threads this month:

If I was a weather man, I’d leak the weather early to pretty women.

38 shares on WeChat this month:

Every room can be a room with a view when I’m in it.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇪🇪 has viewed:

ADHD is when you buy a blender and then make smoothies every day for 2 weeks, and then never make one or even acknowledge your blender ever again.

Someone from 🇰🇼 has viewed:

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

Someone from 🇨🇴 has shared:

You miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer.

Someone from 🇷🇼 has shared:

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film.

Someone from 🇪🇨 has downloaded:

Police officer: please step out of your vehicle. Me: after this song, hold on.

Someone from 🇦🇷 has bookmarked:

I dream of disappearing into the woods with Wi-Fi.

Someone from 🇩🇪 has bookmarked:

Trust my gut? The thing that can’t even handle milk.

Someone from 🇨🇱 has copied:

Shouldn’t autocorrect be called autoassume?

Someone from 🇫🇮 has bookmarked:

My mental health walks make my mental health worse because I live in a shithole.

Someone from 🇰🇿 has downloaded:

Just spoke to my wife while the internet was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently.

Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on WeChat:

I like that they put all that stuff outside for you to look at when you’re on a walk.

Just shared via LinkedIn:

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am.

Shared recently on Twitch:

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

Trending via TikTok:

Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

Trending via Facebook:

Julia Garner most confusing name because it calls to mind both Julia Roberts and Jennifer Garner, but she is neither.

Shared recently on Slack:

Nobody defends billionaires better than dudes making $50,000 a year.

Trending via Messenger:

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

Seen just now on Instagram:

I was about to organise my closet, but I then I found what I was looking for.

Just landed via Slack:

Breaking News: No matter how close you are with your colleagues, never discuss your personal matters at work. Neverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Going viral on Facebook:

Single bells, single bells, single all the way. Oh, what fun it is to watch those couples fight all day, yay!

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37 Funny posts quotes

More funny posts quotes 👇

Sorry if my posts have any typos, it’s because I’m driving.

Can’t stand British posts on my timeline. “I bought this for four squids and a halfpenny!” What the hell are you talking about?

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