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6 months ago
Share →: Hey bro, please stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river.

Commentary:
"Looks like someone's creating some major ripples in the skipping rock economy! 🌊 No need to get stoned over it, bro! 🤣 #RockStar"

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I have friends in high places (birds).

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I came, I saw, I took a selfie as proof that I came and saw.

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Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

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I’m basically a taxi today for the kids and dogs.

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Having a crush is so stupid. Like, why is this dude in my head at 8 am?

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At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

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Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

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Be warned: I’m bored. This could get dangerous.

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This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes.

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I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado.

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Making waves on Pinterest:

You couldn’t pay me to do this year again.

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The older I get, the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin.

Spreading quickly via Snapchat:

Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free. Also Spotify: we have no concept of time.

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Ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to leave work early.

Seen just now on LinkedIn:

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

Spreading quickly via Discord:

I love you to the refrigerator and back.

Spotted on Snapchat:

The lack of a pope has got me acting wild.

Freshly posted on YouTube:

I hate when people are like “you are so nice”. I’m ugly, I have no other choice.

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I suffer from that syndrome where your neutral expression makes it look like you’re an angry serial killer.

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Imagine surviving Covid 19 and then China releases Covid 19S Plus Pro.

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Funny skipping rock quotes

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Unfortunately, I will continue to get sexier and funnier.

When I die, I hope I’m remembered for my ability to take any bad situation and make it worse.

Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally.

If the man is silent, he is a thinker. If the woman is silent, the thinker is in big trouble.

A bad relationship can ruin a good song.

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I wonder how my close personal beloved friend Taylor Swift is doing today.

First caveman to see fire: Well, this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and I predict that’s the last I’ll ever see of that.

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

Why’s it always “NYC smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”?

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Do regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh no, it’s a cop”?

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime.

I wonder what other animals we tried to ride before discovering that horses were cool with it.

My life plans are fading like Marty McFly’s family photo.

I do believe in aliens, but do they also believe in me?

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I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.

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