Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans.

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If I met someone like me, I’d be really concerned for them.

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Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track.

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No, I mean, it’s great toast. I just didn’t expect it to be French.

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I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me.

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So tired of looking in my wallet and not finding $10,000

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I always mean what I say, I don’t always mean to say it out loud, but I always mean it.

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I’m going to die from jealousy one day.

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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

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I named my dog “5 Miles,” so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.

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The question “how is work” really pisses me off. Work is work, bro, I don’t know what else you want me to say.