I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door and say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

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“I’ll run it by the boss” is one of the peak boomerisms you can say as a married man. It feels electric.

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When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.

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My favorite part of The Godfather is when the guy wakes up and screams because the Mafia has stolen the bottom half of the horse he keeps in his bed.

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My favorite sex position is any of them. I’m just glad to be involved.

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I run a parody bank account.

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Why is it called the Super Bowl if no one is bowling?

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It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes.

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You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

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What doesn’t kill you will text you in 5 months to ask “What are you doing?”

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Dear autocorrect, that’s not what I was trying to say. I’m getting tired of your shirt.