I don’t care what other people think of me, at least mosquitoes find me attractive.

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Eating nothing but beer for a month and calling that Oktoberfast.

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You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body.

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Another fine day ruined by waking up.

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Silently hoping for a comet to strike, to get out of today’s responsibilities.

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Does anyone know the password to my work computer? Or how to do my job?

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No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work.

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Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never.”

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Me, one week before the new year: Not to brag, but I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of the year.

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When someone touches my phone, I automatically turn into a ninja.

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We are so shocked by “Butthead” that we ignore the strangeness of the name “Beavis”.