I don’t understand why bugs come inside when they have a whole outside to themselves.

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I get it cicadas, I’m ready to scream for six weeks too.

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Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night.

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An orgy where everyone looks identical is called a doppelgängerbänger.

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90% of my thoughts start with: “What can I eat now?”

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She is so narcissistic that her narcissism has narcissism.

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There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust.

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My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

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If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favorite songs.

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The only thing you can count on with some people is that you can’t count on them.

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Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.