I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

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Trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating.

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I named my dog “5 Miles,” so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.

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It may sound crazy but some of us are nice without hidden agendas.

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People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

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You don’t know a person until you’ve seen them eat popcorn.

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Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

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To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!

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Every once in a while, I go outside and run the vacuum cleaner on the driveway, just to make sure the neighbors never talk to me.

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You gotta act cool, calm, and collected around liquid eyeliner because it can sense your fear.

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You ever get into such a weird mood you have to put yourself on house arrest for a couple days?