I have good problem solving skills, but my problem creating skills are where I really shine.

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I need new friends. The old ones know too much.

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My favorite military tradition is asking someone what an acronym means right after they use it, and they don’t know what it means.

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Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

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Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

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Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

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Never vacuuming so I don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome.

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My bed wasn’t feeling well this morning, so I had to stay home to take care of it.

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You’re never too old to become less of an idiot.

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Everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places.

Someone from 🇳🇮 has downloaded:

Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.