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A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line.

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Every night, millions of teeth go unbrushed.

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“Are you sexually active?” Dude, I’m not even socially active.

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My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

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I really miss my family… sized bag of crisps.

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I downloaded a meditation app. Now Iโ€™m stressed about missing sessions.

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Many men also have a walk-in closet. For them, it’s just called a floor.

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Good morning to everyone except people who sit right next to you when thereโ€™s a whole room full of empty seats.

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Just went to the Oreo website and hit โ€œaccept all cookiesโ€ โ€ฆ and now we wait.

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Reverse cowgirl, so we can both address the elephant in the room.

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I keep pressing the space bar, but I’m still on Earth.

I keep pressing the space bar, but I’m still on Earth.

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"Looks like the space bar isn't cooperating with your intergalactic dreams ๐ŸŒŒ Keep pressing, maybe you'll reach the stars eventually! ๐Ÿš€โœจ#EarthBound #SpaceBarFails"



Welcome to Wordgag! ๐Ÿ˜‰โœŒ๏ธ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ’ฅ

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Sadly, I do my best proofreading after I hit “send.

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Getting money from the Tooth Fairy is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

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โ€œAnd on the 7th day he restedโ€. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

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I donโ€™t understand construction. Like, how do they know what to do next?

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Eat like your treadmill is watching.

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The only way three people can keep a secret is if two of them are dead.

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Itโ€™s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap.

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Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dog listens.

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My outfit is from Gucci and the body from Ferrero.

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With a cat on your lap, you deal better with the crap.