I like to live life dangerously by occasionally sticking my foot out over the edge of the bed at night.

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Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

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When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

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Jingle all the way? In this economy?

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Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.

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I want him in ways that are deeply deeply upsetting to modern feminism.

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Perhaps the most universal American experience is your mom being like, “Wasn’t he such a good dentist? He’s in prison now.”

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I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework, and she brings it home marked incorrect.

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Best threesome: me, my bed and my pillow.

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My signature move is always learning my lessons the hard way.

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I drive home so quick after work like I’m late for the house.