I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed though. I’m just annoying.

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When they say screen time is bad for you, they just mean the ones at work, right?

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Of course I do cardio. It’s called running from my problems.

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If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.

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The name Ella is short for Mozzarella.

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Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio?

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They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question, but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

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If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

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Satan: “I’d tell you to go to Hell, but I work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.”

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I have everything you could possibly ever need in my purse, except for money.

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May her tire get flat with a dude who can’t change it.