I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

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It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

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I did nothing wrong. I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

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I don’t want to adult anymore. Don’t even want to be human. I want to be a goat. Jump around randomly, eat what I want, and head-butt anyone who annoys me.

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At my size, I’d be called Buffet the Vampire Slayer.

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No kids at my wedding. Gonna Uber the flower girl home when she’s done.

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I’m not a morning person. I’m not even an afternoon person. I pretty much start functioning after 6pm.

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I don’t need alcohol to make bad decisions.

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Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid, we got you covered.

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I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

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“New recipe” is code for “less content, but worse ingredients”.