I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

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How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cat’s wedding?

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Does anyone know where I can get my shit together?

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“Comparison is the thief of joy!” Well, not if you’re better than everyone else.

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Just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some math problem.

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Hey, we’re calling off the search party. We found a different guy out there we like more.

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My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

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I dare you to try and be more single than me.

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When they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

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Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

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The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece.