I think I’m emotionally constipated because I haven’t given a shit in months.

Someone from 🇮🇶 has bookmarked:

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Someone from 🇸🇧 has viewed:

Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

Someone from 🇲🇲 has copied:

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor. No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

Someone from 🇨🇳 has downloaded:

I’m a red flag, but the material is quality.

Someone from 🇳🇬 has downloaded:

If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.

Someone from 🇹🇼 has copied:

How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings? Mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo.

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If insomnia were a sport, I’d have endorsement deals.

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Petition to make check-in at hotels 11am and check-out 3pm, not the other way around. Like, WTF?

Someone from 🇳🇬 has bookmarked:

Hello! I’m Britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is: I tell you my real surname, then my real forename, then my real surname again, in case you missed it.

Someone from 🇧🇮 has copied:

Everyone’s a gangster until it’s time to pronounce Worcestershire Sauce.