I think that police officers on foot should wear blue flashing sneakers.

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American Feng Shui is when the grill doesn’t wobble.

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Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

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This year has been the perfect blend between me losing my mind and having the time of my life.

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That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink.

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It’s a paradox that your nose is running and your feet smell.

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I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

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When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

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Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems.

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If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters.

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My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom & Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.