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Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

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If it was really a smart phone, it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.

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If my son ever came out as gay, Iโ€™d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice.

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Who called it a Cybertruck and not a Deplorean?

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Iโ€™ve said it before and Iโ€™ll say it again: you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor.

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Twitter is fun. You kinda just talk to yourself and sometimes someone replies.

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I wish I was a cat. No bills, no job, just meow, meow.

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The class: “You want us to do what?” Super Mario: “Jump around, catch and eat the giant mushroom, bang your head against the crates and, if necessary, crush all the critters. It’sa easy!”

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Cashews are my favorite because theyโ€™re salty and hunched over just like me.

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Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts.

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I think that police officers on foot should wear blue flashing sneakers.

I think that police officers on foot should wear blue flashing sneakers.

Commentary:
๐Ÿ‘ฎโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿ‘Ÿ "I think that police officers on foot should wear blue flashing sneakers…because catching criminals is a marathon, not a sprint! ๐Ÿšจ๐Ÿ‘Ÿ๐Ÿ’จ" #FashionPolice #SolePatrol



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