I went to clean bathroom and I’m 99% sure my kids shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon.

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Revenge? No. I just post hot selfies and let the algorithm do God’s work.

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Due to personal reasons, I will be screaming into a pillow.

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You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

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If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

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If someone asks you: ‘Why are you single, don’t you like people?’, answer: ‘Why aren’t you a millionaire, don’t you like money?’

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There’s no sadder tableau in all of humanity than the smoker’s terrarium at the airport.

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If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about a boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten.

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Can I get back all those naps I refused to take as a kid? I could really use them now.

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Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

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Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead.