I wish my wife’s sighs came with subtitles.

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Money talks, and also waves goodbye.

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Having to pee when you’re driving is problematic. Having to sneeze when you’re driving is even more problematic.

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Jane Austen gave us men who crossed fields in the rain. Mine left me on read, and liked someone else’s story.

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I really think my coworkers and I deserve an Oscar for acting like everything at work is fine.

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Stop asking me if I’m tired. Can’t I just be ugly?

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The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

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You call it nagging, I call it ‘listen to what I said the first time!’

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I don’t care if it’s cliché, I will always enjoy a ‘small town but something messed up is happening’ story.

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I noticed you haven’t posted in a few weeks, and just wanted to thank you.

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My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom & Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.