I’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns.

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At the strip club sighing until one of the dancers asks me what’s wrong.

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If trees offered Wi-Fi, we would plant more of them. Too bad they only produce this oxygen thing.

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I woke up from a deep sleep in a panic thinking I was late for work. Thankfully, I was already there.

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Everyone hates drama, yet somehow the tabloids remain in business.

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Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?

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I’m not tispy. I’m merry.

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This can’t be the same body that used to be able to stay up all night.

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You know you’re old when you you barely do anything all day, but still need a nap to continue doing barely anything.

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How does pasta water know when you’re not looking?

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Turns out “YouTube rabbit hole” is not a reliable science degree.