If you gain 4 pounds in one weekend, that just means you’re an overachiever.

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“This isn’t going to end well for you.” Me, alone in the house, to the cake on the counter.

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Applying lip balm when you know someone’s watching you is a power move.

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I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home.

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Raising a teenager is like nailing pudding to the wall.

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Did you guys know that you can actually do whatever you want all the time?

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Mambo No. 5, but it’s in a minor key, and I’m naming women who didn’t text me back.

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Crossing my fingers one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

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Some people are like ads, just skip.

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This is my emotional support online shopping cart.

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My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.