I’m a “I have an appointment later, so I can’t do anything else for the rest of the day” kind of person.

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Does your blood pump that way just for me?

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The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me.

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If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

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Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep.

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I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on.

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At my funeral, sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man.

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At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

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Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

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Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?”

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Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?