Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

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Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.

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Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.

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Used dark mode so much that I became physically repulsed when I see a white screen.

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My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

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Ever since I began sharing dad jokes, my followers have doubled in sighs.

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There are two types of people: those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other.

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By now, we’ve all figured out that these LED bulbs don’t actually last 15 years, but we’ve collectively decided to just let it slide.

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That odd feeling when your lunch break is over and you still have to work for another 30 years.

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Jeez. It’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

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I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment. I wanted something with no strings attached.