Someone from 🇪🇬 has downloaded:

I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 a.m. and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

Someone from 🇵🇦 has copied:

Going to the beach as a feet guy must be insane.

Someone from 🇫🇷 has shared:

Next time I lose my mind I swear I’m not even going to look for it any more.

Someone from 🇨🇾 has shared:

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of a lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with.

Someone from 🇺🇿 has downloaded:

Me: “I should treat myself to something.” My bank account: “Dream on.”

Someone from 🇹🇲 has shared:

What doesn’t kill you will text you in 5 months to ask “What are you doing?”

Someone from 🇸🇾 has viewed:

Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.

Someone from 🇧🇾 has bookmarked:

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

Someone from 🇳🇬 has downloaded:

I always set two alarms, one for “Good Intentions Me” and one for “The Real Me”

Someone from 🇨🇴 has bookmarked:

I’m not worried about WWIII. I’ve been feeding a crow army for three years.