I’ve jogged with my jogging pants about as often as I’ve rolled through the kitchen with kitchen roll.

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The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

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Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

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Pirate: walks the plank. Someone’s dad: Is this teak?

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It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids.

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I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum.

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Billionaires didn’t get rich by working harder. They got rich by making sure you work harder, get paid less, and spend more.

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I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

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You tell people you’re not trying to drink and they act like you just turned down 100k.

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The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it.

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Whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it.