I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

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If you’re feeling a little uneasy about the state of global geopolitics, remember to spend as much time on your phone as possible. The more information you ingest as you scroll, the calmer you will become.

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The cool thing about Twitter is you’re never the craziest one.

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Shopping at the dollar store makes me feel rich and poor all at the same time.

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Pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed.

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I’m going to need to speak with the flowers about this.

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It’s so cool when people who write for a living admit that they don’t read books or have thoughts.

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If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

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Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.

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If craziness could fly, some people would have their own airport.

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Don’t ask me ‘how are you?’ unless you’re willing to sign an NDA.