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If youโ€™re 20, please stop saying youโ€™re tired. I have bananas older than you.

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I’ve walked the walk, but nowadays I just sit the sit.

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Me leaving the house: I hope I donโ€™t see anyone.

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If I was a weather man, Iโ€™d leak the weather early to pretty women.

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Due to foreseen circumstances well within my control I will be late.

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99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back โ€œthanks so muchโ€.

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Imagine hating me while I’m just over here being lazy and minding my own business.

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Ping me if your boobs glow in the dark.

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They should invent a job that actually wants to hire you after you apply.

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Are you the sun? Because you need to stay about 92,960,000 miles away from me.

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Keeping my mouth shut is usually not enough to avoid an argument with my husband. I also have to deactivate the subtitle function on my face.

Keeping my mouth shut is usually not enough to avoid an argument with my husband. I also have to deactivate the subtitle function on my face.

Commentary:
"Ah, yes, the ultimate challenge in marital diplomacy – disabling the facial subtitles! ๐Ÿค๐Ÿ˜„ It's like turning off the 'truth detector' setting on your expression display! ๐Ÿšซ๐Ÿคจ๐Ÿ’ฌ #MarriageMysteries"



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