Kids are like pancakes. The first one is always a bit strange.

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Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

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Do you ever look into your cats eyes and realize that a person is inside there?

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Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

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Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

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It took three employees to help me complete “self-checkout” yesterday.

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Babe, are you okay? You’ve barely touched the argument I baited you with.

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My best friend is married and buying a house. I ate popcorn for dinner.

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Why does the weekend always feel like it lasts five minutes?

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Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

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Seen an ambulance at the hospital. I hope the doctors are okay.