Light is faster than sound. That’s why people seem so bright until you hear them talk.

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Cats spend two-thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

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My stress stresses me out to the point where I’m too stressed to deal with my stress.

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I miss when bills were none of my business.

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If you feel fat and sad just know it’s someone out there fatter than you.

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He took my last fry, your honor.

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I don’t know much, but I do know melancholia is a way cooler diagnosis than depression.

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At first I’m shy, then I’m a podcast.

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Absent father sucks, but have you met the final boss, the father who is actually in your life every day but emotionally unavailable, lol.

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One or the other, Lord – I can’t be broke and heartbroken.

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Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”