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The first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack.

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I no longer dislike Mondays, I’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

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I realized being an adult is just feeling too tired to function, and then functioning.

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Not eating the cookie I’m craving. I better wake up skinny tomorrow.

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First responders? You mean reply guys?

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I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast.

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Juggling screen time is the ultimate multitasking Olympics.

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Work for a living? In this economy?

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When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”

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This quote is invisible. Only people who masturbate a lot can read it.