Me, in heaven: Can you take a photo of me sitting on that cloud?

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The real morning people are the ones that wake up to call radio stations.

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If Kanye got hacked, no one would even know.

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Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

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Only in America can a kid wear $150 shoes, sip a $8 coffee, and post from a $1,200 phone about being oppressed and claiming capitalism has failed them.

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And then one day, life was like… hold my beer.

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When the grocery store moves the aisles around, you should be able to call the cops.

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If the office is always a little cold, you might be working for the lizard people.

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Let’s get married and have kids, so instead of relaxing during weeknights, we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

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King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

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I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.