Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful when you’re older.

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One of the most embarrassing things in the world: walking downhill.

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Old Spice doesn’t sound like something you wanna smell.

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“Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)” is now 40 years old. If you have an earworm now, you also have back pain.

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Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

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God saw you do that.

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Coworker: Where are you going after work? Me: Away from you.

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Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

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Plot twist: weed is addicted to me.

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“You’re under the weather?” We all are, idiot. It’s in the sky.

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I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.