My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

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Okay, this is getting ridiculous. It can’t just be the one guy. It’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper.

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Women love it when you approach them on the street and say “whoa, is there a hot babe convention in town?”

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Can’t believe penguins have to publish all those books with their tiny hands.

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Tonight, the moon is staring at me.

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Everyone wants a drunk text until I’m doing it at noon.

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Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

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If two witches watched two watches, which witch would watch which watch? Each witch would watch which watch belonged to which witch’s wrist.

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You are why Superman costumes have warning labels telling you the costume won’t make you fly.

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Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally.

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People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.