My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

Someone from 🇨🇩 has downloaded:

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile. Then walk into a wall.

Someone from 🇬🇦 has downloaded:

Bursting into a million bats the second I see you.

Someone from 🇬🇹 has downloaded:

Porn looks so funny when you’re not horny.

Someone from 🇿🇲 has downloaded:

Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

Someone from 🇻🇨 has downloaded:

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

Someone from 🇧🇷 has downloaded:

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine. Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

Someone from 🇹🇴 has bookmarked:

Obviously, I’m gonna upload pictures with filters and in my best angles. If you wanna see the ugly side of me, come to my house, but bring ice cream.