My self-care routine is mostly just going to Mexican restaurants.

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The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.

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Commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart.

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You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.

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I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

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I hope your spoon slides into your soup.

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My favorite thing about summer is opening a window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.

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I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

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Idiocracy wasn’t supposed to be a documentary.

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Did I eat too much candy today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

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Your honor, I was in my villain era at the time of those incidents.