My thighs are bigger than my chances in life.

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Roses are pink. I need a drink.

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Don’t let anyone treat you like pond water. You are Fiji water, okay?

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Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like.

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Imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog.

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I mostly choose to stay silent in weird situations but my face has subtitles.

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I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

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Life update: it’s getting worse.

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Hello, I’m looking for the people who said “I’ll always be there for you”. Has anyone seen them?

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When someone says “I don’t want a relationship right now” the “at least not with you” is silent.

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Aside from cocaine, has anyone figured out what that little pocket on your jeans is for?