No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

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My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.

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Being an iPad baby must be so exciting. Imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing Candy Crush.

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A dating app that matches people by the conspiracy theories they are interested in.

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Sorry I missed your call. I saw that you were calling and immediately threw my phone into an active volcano.

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My bad for thinking everyone has common sense.

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The answer is always no, I did not get enough sleep.

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My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum, I thought he might be referencing Pokémon.

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I need to find hobbies that don’t include my debit card.

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I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment.

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My favorite military tradition is asking someone what an acronym means right after they use it, and they don’t know what it means.