If I ever win the lottery and decide to invest in a billboard company, I won’t tell anyone; but there will be signs. Posted onMay 25, 2026
My future wife is probably fake laughing at her boyfriend’s lame jokes right now. Be patient, Queen, a true clown is on the way. Posted onMay 25, 2026
No kids at my wedding. Gonna Uber the flower girl home when she’s done. Posted onMay 25, 2026May 25, 2026
My body is like an elastic band – no matter how I stretch it, it goes back to the nap position. Posted onMay 25, 2026
The worst part about borrowing money is having to pay it back or move to a new city. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I can relate to the stock market because I am always about to crash at a moment’s notice. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Who is this Rorschach guy and where did he get all the pictures of my parents fighting? Posted onMay 25, 2026
Most people think that T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they are dead. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I don’t just hold a grudge; I love it, pet it, feed it and take it for long walks on the beach. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Don’t worry. You’re exactly where you should be in life. Because you’ve made horrible choices. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I saw someone wearing a shirt today that said “Eat Pasta Run Fasta,” and I can’t get it out of my head. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Cartoons make it look like getting stabbed in the butt with a pitchfork would be no big deal, but I beg to differ. Posted onMay 25, 2026
When I finally snap it’ll be because I had to type my email address in on the TV. Posted onMay 25, 2026
All billionaires must submit a list of five things they did for society in the last week or their wealth shall be confiscated. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Uber Eats “you forgot to finish your order” notification is funny because I didn’t forget, I just came to my senses. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Not a religious man but I do say a short prayer whenever I open a gas station restroom door. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Don’t forget to look directly into the sun for at least 10 minutes per day because that’s where all the vitamins are. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Just thinking how many animals we had to ride on before we realized horses were ok with it. Posted onMay 25, 2026