I enjoy long walks up and down my stairs trying to remember what I was supposed to be doing. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I’ve reached a point in my life where if I can’t find parking, I’m just going to go home. Posted onMay 25, 2026
The two types of video games are kill everything that moves and Microsoft Excel. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I have a lot in common with AI. We occasionally provide incorrect information with a confident tone. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I may be the reason why our kids are ugly, but you’re the reason why they’re stupid. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Studies show people who like my posts are happier, smarter, and better looking than those who don’t. Posted onMay 25, 2026
We should just cancel April Fools Day this year. No prank can top reality right now. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Scams used to be like “free money!” and now they’re like “hello, we have a job for you”, which seems to be a bad sign. Posted onMay 25, 2026
My couch better stop looking at me like that, it knows exactly what it’s doing. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Cars should come with a secondary smaller “sorry” horn for when you do something a lil silly by accident. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Stop using ChatGPT. I can feed you misinformation too and I’m also beautiful and funny sometimes. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Do not EVER text while driving. Please use the giant iPad attached to your dashboard. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I am just a man, a man who told a woman to calm down, so I guess this is goodbye. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Play your cards right and we could be wearing matching fanny packs this summer. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Stores should accept “I bought this while depressed” as a valid reason for a return. Posted onMay 25, 2026
People who wear jeans for fun around their house have bodies buried in their backyard. Posted onMay 25, 2026
You can learn a lot about a person by observing their every waking movement from a tree outside their house. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I’m thinking of maybe killing off a few characters in the book I’m writing. That will really spice up my autobiography. Posted onMay 25, 2026
If I ever win the lottery and decide to invest in a billboard company, I won’t tell anyone; but there will be signs. Posted onMay 25, 2026