Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job.

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Cool times create cool guys.

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Spoiler alert: Eventually you will pay a price for the way you treated people.

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Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend.

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As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the cake.

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Feeling guilty for taking up the entire therapy session talking about myself.

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I wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating Snickers for breakfast in bed.

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The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

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Needlenose in HR says we can’t use nicknames anymore.

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I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall.

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You don’t need fun to have alcohol.