Starting the second half of your sandwich is like “hell yeah, baby, let’s run it back!”

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Got possessed by a demon once, and everyone was like, “OMG, did you do something with your hair?”

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Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

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Bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction.

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If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

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The most surprising part of adulthood is parenting your parents.

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Not to brag, but I ate all of my bananas before they turned brown. Don’t be jealous.

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How do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me?

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You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

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There are two wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord.

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Opinions are like air fryers. Everyone’s got one and they won’t stop banging on about them.