Starting the second half of your sandwich is like “hell yeah, baby, let’s run it back!”

63 shares on Threads this month:

Warning: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

33 shares on YouTube this month:

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

15 shares on Instagram this month:

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby.

14 shares on Pinterest this month:

Drilling for oil is well boring.

85 shares on Threads this month:

Girls know how to flirt until it’s with someone they actually like.

35 shares on Snapchat this month:

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

13 shares on Telegram this month:

A dating app that matches people by the conspiracy theories they are interested in.

92 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the Titanic, except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad.

11 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Every Microsoft Teams invite you get lowers your testosterone by 1-2%

45 shares on Instagram this month:

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of Pi.