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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇨🇲 has bookmarked:

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose. When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.

Someone from 🇦🇱 has bookmarked:

By the time I remember to text back, it be too disrespectful to even do it.

Someone from 🇵🇱 has viewed:

Life is just a vicious cycle of needing to go to the grocery store.

Someone from 🇪🇷 has bookmarked:

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great, what he really means is, “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

Someone from 🇫🇯 has viewed:

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

Someone from 🇭🇺 has downloaded:

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

Someone from 🇻🇪 has viewed:

Phone is a cigarette for eyes.

Someone from 🇨🇬 has viewed:

Hey babe, wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

Someone from 🇸🇪 has downloaded:

Why is everyone against sugar? Who stood beside you when things went wrong and you were sad? It wasn’t lettuce, for sure.

Someone from 🇫🇮 has shared:

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

calculating…

Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Feb 3, 2026

3,289

Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on Telegram:

Becoming a DJ, but only because I like to impose my will and preferences upon the masses.

Shared recently on YouTube:

There’s a cougar warning in my neighborhood, but apparently it’s just a big cat. I bought a case of wine coolers for nothing.

Seen just now on Telegram:

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do.

Just landed via Threads:

If you call me “daddy” in bed, I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room.

Going bananas on Slack:

For Christmas, I’d like to figure it all out.

Freshly posted on Instagram:

I love saying “You’re welcome!” really loudly when someone hasn’t thanked me.

Just shared via Facebook:

Every CVS has its own unique energy that’s powerful enough to exalt or destroy the individual.

Going viral on YouTube:

I’ve got the nativity scene facing the TV, so baby Jesus can watch “Die Hard.”

Spotted on Instagram:

I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge.

Spotted on Instagram:

Give yourself time to heal. A couple of decades should do it.

Stop blaming yourself for your failures. Learn astrology and blame the planets.

1 month ago

Witty quote about shifting blame to planets instead of yourself, humorous and playful tone.

Download image ↓

Commentary:
"Don't stress over your mishaps, just shift the blame to those sneaky planets! Who knew Mercury's retrograde could be so impactful? 🌌😂 Embrace astrology and watch your responsibilities align with the stars! ⭐️🪐 #BlameThePlanets"

astrology, blame, blaming, failures, growth, humor, learn, lightheartedness, personal, personal growth, planets, self-help, stop, yourself

Trending Funny Quotes 👇

Random Funny Quotes

Social Media Stars ⭐

47 shares on Snapchat this month:

I don’t like violence, but I don’t mind if I get hit by luck.

85 shares on Instagram this month:

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs.

73 shares on Twitch this month:

Preparing for the apocalypse by becoming fluent in zombie.

84 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I love posting my thoughts on the internet. Now they’re your problem.

10 shares on TikTok this month:

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body.

48 shares on Reddit this month:

Welcome to your fifties. Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine, and chicken noodle soup.

35 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Hobbies include being misunderstood.

65 shares on YouTube this month:

If you want to impress me with your car, it should be an ice cream van.

86 shares on Discord this month:

Fuzzy socks on and ready for anything.

50 shares on Messenger this month:

It’s so beautiful to see people just give up at work this time of year. I’m getting emails that do not include any complete sentences.

Trending Topics 📁

Hot Jokes 💥

11 folks are currently checking 👀

The modern condition is mostly trying to do things on your own that people have historically achieved with a large support network, and wondering why you’re tired all the time.

11 folks are currently checking 👀

Relationship rule: If the woman has told something and the man doesn’t remember, the man hasn’t listened. If the man has told something and the woman doesn’t remember, the man has never told it.

24 folks are currently checking 👀

It was all revealed to me in a delusion.

17 folks are currently checking 👀

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

21 folks are currently checking 👀

Ozzy Osbourne has mumbled through entire sentences, and I still understood him better than most of my exes.

14 folks are currently checking 👀

The point of life is going to a good restaurant and getting two cocktails with dinner. That’s it.

22 folks are currently checking 👀

What doesn’t kill you will text you in 5 months to ask “What are you doing?”

17 folks are currently checking 👀

Scratching the mosquito bite on my foot? Literally orgasmic. This is the kind of stuff that the government doesn’t want you to know.

9 folks are currently checking 👀

It’s Sunday. I’ve slept in and ignored church. Somewhere the devil is sitting and clicking on “Like”.

15 folks are currently checking 👀

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

calculating…

Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,297

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇹🇩 has viewed:

You ever feel awkward in Target, cause you know you belong at Walmart.

Someone from 🇦🇸 has copied:

I love to watch the enthusiasm of new coworkers, and then their inevitable slow descent into not giving a damn.

Someone from 🇹🇩 has copied:

Men are like dogs. They’re actually cute, but having my own would be too much work for me.

Someone from 🇵🇹 has downloaded:

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

Someone from 🇲🇺 has bookmarked:

Sometimes I sneeze so loud and hard I think I’m a dad.

Someone from 🇵🇾 has viewed:

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you? So yeah, enjoy your fish sandwich.

Someone from 🇬🇪 has shared:

There hasn’t been a single person in human history that was remembered for spending their life working a 9-5 job.

Someone from 🇲🇰 has shared:

May her tire get flat with a dude who can’t change it.

Someone from 🇰🇬 has downloaded:

Facebook should just go back to being Hot or Not dot com.

Someone from 🇬🇶 has shared:

Inventing the Grinch: “Santa needs a Wario!”

Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via TikTok:

Starting my period on election day because I’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country.

Going bananas on YouTube:

If you think I’m funny, you should hear the voices in my head.

Making waves on Instagram:

I need a room full of mirrors because I want to be surrounded by winners.

Seen just now on Slack:

After much deliberation, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m an overthinker.

Just landed via WeChat:

I typed my name into Google’s search bar and it immediately auto-filled to “Doesn’t even listen to instructions” before crashing under the weight of disappointed search results.

Seen just now on Snapchat:

“Is this a joke to you?” Unfortunately, everything is a little bit of a joke to me.

Just landed via Instagram:

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t.

Seen just now on LinkedIn:

Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I remembered the owner of the pub has a family to feed.

Freshly posted on Reddit:

I don’t like people driving fast—that’s the reason why I overtake them.

Trending via Telegram:

My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out.

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