The real flex is how many wounds you can turn into wisdom.

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If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

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Having little kids is great because I love spending hundreds of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can.

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Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

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Concert tickets should be 75% off if the artist is really super special to you.

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Why count sheep when I can count my troubles?

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If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one.

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The magician told me to “Pick a card! Any card!” So I took his Visa.

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Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you.

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I don’t care if my parents are disappointed in me, I’m not impressed by them either.

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I’m letting go of all earthly attachment — exactly like Buddha, except for the things I like and want.